inmemoryofjason | Recent Entries

I don't know how many people are still active or following this community but I thought I'd write a make a post to mark the day. It's ten years since Jason died and it's a bizarre thought that I've been missing him for longer than I had him at this point.

A lot has changed in ten years but I know that I wouldn't be where I am or who I am without his influence in my life. So many wonderful friends, my wife included, are in my life because of him. He taught me a lot about myself and about the kind of person I wanted to be. He taught me to love with my whole being and not to be ashamed of the things that bring me joy. The man didn't know the meaning of the word cringe and I loved that about him so dearly. He cared so deeply and used what means he had to try and spread a little joy in the world through his writing and his vids and his friendship. It delights me whenever I think to reread one of his fics and see people are still leaving comments even though the newest ones are a decade old at this point.

I'm sad his nephews never got to know him. He would've been the best uncle. I'm sad he never got into D&D because he would've been an amazing DM. I'm sad the friends I've made these past ten years never got to know him and have their lives enriched by his boundless joy and love. I'm sad for the fandoms I know he would've been part of that haven't got to enjoy fic by him. And I hope you guys know he would've written the best Stede/Ed fic for OFMD. Like, honestly wouldn't be surprised to learn he literally ghostwrote some of that show because it has such Jay vibes it blows my mind.

Anyway. I just wanted to post and if anyone is still around and thinking about him today, know you're not the only one. I'll be watching his beloved Muppet Christmas Carol in a couple of days and sobbing over Tiny Tim as always.

Love to you all ♥

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: change your heart or die - the midnight

marigold6

Today would have been birthday number 32 - and I wonder what you would have done for fun...another Christmas is past and another New Year approaches. I miss you, darling JJ - snuggle your kitties and write for all your fandoms and listen to some wonderful upbeat music...many kisses and love, your Mari

Current Mood: thoughtful

eleanor_lavish

Happy Birthday, J. Spent the morning telling stories of you to my mom, when I got the LJ birthday notification.

Miss you, love you.

scribe

Things I am thinking of today:

I got this song from Jason when he was doing the 30 days of music meme back in 2010. It was his entry for "a song that makes you happy." I don't think there's any song that's more Jason than this.

"A1 - Celebrate Our Love" (Watch on YouTube)

Here's what he had to say about it:

"This is the best conga song IN THE WORLD. It has a happy trumpet, the opening lyrics are Believe in your heart, no matter what the people may say // The chance you take could take you to the top!, the rhythm is the most perfect for conga lines EVER, I DARE YOU to listen to this song and not smile. EVERYWHERE A CELEBRATION! OOH OOH OOH CELEBRATE OUR LOVE! *grooves*"

And you know what? He was right. I do smile when I listen to it, and I think about him, and it's good to do those two things in conjunction.

kitsune_dream

I woke up terribly sad this morning, but then I checked twitter and Scott Pilgrim is trending for no apparent reason. Well played, Jason. Well played.

All my love and hugs to everyone who is missing Jason today and every day. ♥

wisdomeagle

+Reading through the nominated festivids fandoms and seeing Strictly Come Dancing.

+Whenever I talk about the BSC fic on Ao3, "And there's the fic Jason wrote me for my birthday, and the gangbang fic -- yeah, that was Jason too."

+Seeing "emetophobia," which will always be the Jsquick in my head.

+Getting new feedback on a fic and rereading all the old feedback and there's some from him, and it says, "Also, I totally want Anna/Shannon fic now. !!!" and neither of us ever wrote it, and there are so many stories we'll never tell each other.

++

There are a thousand little things in my daily fannish life, and I think about him all the time. So, if you do too, you're not alone. *hugs to anyone who wants them*

Current Mood: missing

agirlnamedfia

I'm supposed to be driving the Crack Van on LJ for bandom this month and it's brought back a lot of memories. Bandom is where Jay and I met, though I can't even remember how or where. I loved his stories and so did a lot of other people, so his name pops up on the regular. It's... not easy.

But in recognition of those memories, I just wanted to take a moment and say: Jason, I miss you. <3 You were taken from us far too soon, and I wish you were still here. I would have read your posts and squeed with you and laughed with you and asked you advice about being chronically ill. Even after my diagnosis and rehabilitation, there was so much that I didn't know, that I wanted to ask. Maybe I'd even have finally gotten around to coming up for a visit.

In short: We miss you. I hope you're happy and at peace, wherever you are. <3

eleanor_lavish

I have a new fandom (Vikingsssssss) and I am suddenly stupidly sad that J isn't around for me to flail at. He always was the best and understanding the need for a good flail over a new fandom.

angelikitten

I can't remember exactly when or how I first met Jason online - it may have been through fandom or through friends, I'm not sure - and I'm not sure it really matters, not now anyway.

But I remember the first time I met him in real life. He needed a place to stay for a few weeks before moving in with James, and I offered to put him up. We spent three weeks just being happy about things. He introduced me to new music, especially Def Leppard, and I gave him a tiny white tiger (he called it Savlet) which matched one I had (named Ricklet).

When it was time for him to move to Newcastle, I went in the taxi with him, even though it cost us a small fortune, and helped him to move in. When he and James moved to their next flat, I tried to help them there too. When Jason was going to be on his own one Christmas (later dubbed Failmas 2008), I spent the week with him; when I was going to be on my own two Christmases later, he insisted I spend it with him and James. When Jason and James announced their engagement, I promised to help them with their wedding in any way I could, including making the cake; when they did get married, I actually did make the cake, while dealing with hyperactive kittens and broken ovens.

The wedding was the last time I saw him alive, and the way he was that day is the way I want to remember him: happy and smiling, with a heart big enough to love the whole world twice and still have some left over.

One of the last things he said to me was that "no matter how mired in the brain weasels either of us are, no matter how long it is between talking to you or seeing you, you have this unshakable place in my heart and always will". And while to most people those would be just words, I know that they weren't. But it wasn't until the night he died, while I was in his flat, that I noticed a small white toy on his bedside table; 4 and a half years and two moves later, he still had Savlet. And that means more than I can say.

I love you Jason. I am honoured to have called you my friend, my family ♥

Current Mood: depressed

reason_says

Because my mind works better when I can process emotions through existing songs, I made a funeral playlist for Jason. The first two songs were played at his funeral, and the rest either express my feelings or remind me of him, or both.

In Memory of Jason (.zip format, 41MB)

Embrace - I Had A Time
Vienna Teng - Harbor
Abed & Troy - Somewhere Out There
Coldplay - Talk
Anthony Rapp - Without You
Blue October - Everlasting Friend
Assassins Soundtrack - Something Just Broke
The Louvin Brothers - My Baby’s Gone
Third Eye Blind - Danger
Feeder - Comfort In Sound

leanwellback

Today, as you probably know, was Jason's funeral. Part of me finds it bitterly ironic that today is More Joy Day, and yet it's so fitting a send off to someone who radiated joy.

I want to thank those of you who came to the funeral and those who sent flowers or made donations. The flowers were beautiful and the undertaker will be putting the cards from them into a book of remembrance for me which I will treasure. It was a lovely service and celebration of a beautiful life that ended too soon. Jason's father and brother both made loving eulogies, as did I.

I wanted to share mine with those of you who couldn't be there today.

( you showed me my wings and taught me to fly )

Our beautiful girlfriend, Rhiannon, could not be there today but she sent me her own eulogy for Jason and has said I can post it here too.

( he taught me about love )

The minister read a beautiful poem which I will ask him to send me so I can share it with you, too. If you want to listen to them, the songs that played were Harbor by Vienna Teng and I Had A Time by Embrace. I'll be given his ashes soon and I'm making plans on what to do with them that I'll share with you another time.

Thank you for all the loving tributes posted here so far and for all of your support and prayers ♥

marigold6

Though I am not there to look at your sweet face one more time, my spirit is there across the miles to be with you. You will always be in my heart and my memories. I'm still trying to process no more physical you, but angel you is here and with us all at this moment. May you have lots of kitties to cuddle and follow you forever. Rest your little body and be free. I love you my Wee One - you were truly lit by a candle flame. xoxo

Some people are so special that once they enter your life, it becomes richer and fuller and more wonderful than you ever thought it could be...Anonymous

Current Mood: sad

drfunbags

I met Jason back in the early days of the internet, when he joined our little group currently obsessing over LOTR. I quickly found out that we shared a love of so many more things than LOTR, and we had numerous conversations about musical theatre, the Marvel fandom, past-life theory, books, and most recently ... a love of history. In the midst of all he had going on, he even took the time to email me information about local programs at English universities, when I was seriously considering studying history abroad.

That's the kind of person he was - caring, compassionate, and always willing to help somebody out in the best way that he could.

I'd always hoped that I could make it out there again one day, and we could have a geeky venture out into the countryside to see Hadrian's Wall, and various other landmarks. That we'd have some marathon sessions of watching favorite movies and tv shows, and geek out over some of our shared interests. To think that such a vibrant spirit was taken from us is incomprehensible, and that we'll never get another one of those full-of-life LJ entries filled with such love and happiness ... impossible to accept.

JJ, wherever you are right now, you're always going to be missed. I wish that I could have had the chance to meet you when you visited the US, but I know when I finally make it back to the UK you'll be there with me in spirit - maybe as the breeze blowing softly across the corridors of Hampton Court, or the bright eyed child in the gift shop begging for just one more history book. Nobody knows what comes next, but I know your spirit will always live on in many different ways, in each and every single person that you knew.

Because your presence while living, left such a lasting impression on us all. It taught us many lessons about learning to accept, and just *BE*, who you truly are - without regret.

A life well lived, indeed.

♥

eleanor_lavish

(I originally posted this on Saturday morning, but my LJ is flocked and has been for years, and I thought this should go here instead.)

I have to admit, I'm still processing this. I'm heading to my dad's today - I have to tell him about Jason too, since they spent an Easter together back on JJ's Couch Surfing tour in 2007. I'm sure the waterworks will start soon, but right now I'm just numb.

My comfort through this will be that Jason himself always firmly believed that the ones we love never leave us. He talked about spirits and ghosts and past lives in a way that sometimes made me uncomfortable - I was raised a good Methodist! We didn't think these things! But his own spirit was always so full of life and joy and love, and he talked about these things with such conviction that I believed. I believed that, for Jason, spirits were always with him. As my own religious ideas shaped and formed over the past decade, I came to a place where I believe that God isn't an entity separate from us, that God is the light, the joy, the love that binds us to one another, that binds us to the natural world, to the past and the future. The more connected you are to people, the more love you put out into the world, the more God is present in you. And when you die, that spirit of love and joy and hope that lived inside you moves into alllll the spaces and hearts and minds you were connected to, so that you DO live forever, in those people, and in the people they love and bring joy to.

If that's how God works, then Jason was one of the most holy people I ever met, and he will be missed and loved and carried in the hearts of more people than I can ever count.

Aaaaand, there are the tears. I knew they were in there.

Again, I'm sorry if you're hearing this from me, and I'm sorry to James and Ri and Z and Mitch and all those who were closest to Jason who, I'm sure, are reading what I just wrote and wondering when the good remembering will outweigh the heartache. I'm wondering that too. But I'm also thinking that the burst of love I have for all of you (and my family and my RL friends) that is telling me to hug each and every one of you and tell you I love you and thank you for being part of me is Jason, working through me to say "I'm still here, don't be ridiculous."

This week, I shall watch the AAR documentary and the LOTR films, and I will eat a banana and pet my cat, and think of J. I will miss him something fierce, but I'll also think that, just maybe, when my cat sits on my hands while I try to type on my laptop, that will actually be Jason saying "See? Now I can snuggle with you up close and personal any time I want," and I will smile.

ETA: It's Thursday now, almost a week, and I'm still not okay with this. LJ helpfully informed me today that JJ's birthday is coming up - he would have been 29 on Saturday. This was too soon to lose someone so bright and shiny, but maybe I'm thinking about this wrong. Maybe JJ spent the holiday with his mom, and with all of us, in a way that would have been too hard for him in life - too exhausting, too painful, too much.

I have a lot of little memories of JJ that I will keep in my heart - the most exciting was the night of the fire in my apartment, when tiny JJ (who hadn't slept at all, nightowl that he was) and Sky and I huddled outside my apartment while the fire department put out a massive fire in my building. We, and all of our stuff, were miraculously unharmed, and JJ praised me for my cool under pressure, even though I was a mess later that day. The little ones, though, are better memories - the train ride we took to my dad's for Easter (he was so excited to travel through Jesse Lacey territory!), snuggling on my bed telling stories, freaking out over LJ about AAR, laughing in a fangirl (and boy - though he wasn't through that journey yet) pile in my living room.

I feel so, so lucky to have known him, and will miss him for a long time.

(I am actively terrible about taking pictures of important things, so I'm asking - if people who were at my house for that Oxford Weekend back in the summer of '07 have any pictures, can you pass them my way? I never think I'll need them - I like to live in the moment, damn it! - but then things like this happen and I do.)

acroamatica

I don't know that I have any photos of Jay - I'll have to go digging.

But I do have memories.

We met in LOTR fandom, probably late 2004 or early 2005 if I had to guess. We dated for awhile - didn't work out in the end, I think we were after different things, but we loved each other and that stayed even when we couldn't be a couple anymore. I knew he was someone special, though; he worked out how to send me roses on Valentine's Day, a plot involving transatlantic florists, heaps of phone calls, the German faculty office at my uni and so very much love that I didn't quite know what to do with it all.

We both had a lot of figuring ourselves out to do when we met. I'm lucky to have had his ear whenever I needed to talk something out, and I hope maybe I did as well in return. We shared two very special concerts, Queen in Vancouver and Def Leppard in Newcastle; I assisted in the acquisition of his first tattoo; we talked a lot and hugged a lot and left a lot of silly and soppy and lovely voicemails on each other's phones when hugging wasn't possible, and emails when voicemails weren't possible, and letters just because they were nice. We bounced from fandom to fandom together, and dragged each other into one or two we wouldn't have been in on our own. We wrote together, dozens of stories, hundreds of thousands of words - at, for, and with each other. He was generous with his time and energy even when he should maybe have been less so; that's who he was.

He was a dear and true friend. I loved him. Everyone who got to know him, I think, loved him for all the same reasons I did, and he genuinely loved us all back, and that's what I'll remember most about him.

James, I can't imagine what you're dealing with right now, but I love you too and I'm so very sorry. I know he would've wanted us all to make sure you knew we were here for you; if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask.

kitsune_dream

I met Jason in 2005, and on his grand tour of America in 2006, he stayed with me and my roommate AG for two nights in Seattle. He was still fairly well mobile back then, although it wasn't too long after that he had the first of many relapses.

Some necessary background for the story I want to tell is that, on April 3rd, I had been irradiated as treatment for my Grave's Disease. I'd told my doctor that we were going to have company in a couple of weeks, and he had told me I'd be fine to share close quarters (it was the car ride I was worried about) for several hours at a time by then.

We drove up to Richmond, B.C. to pick him up on April 15th, and, as we were coming back into the United States, there was the usual back-up at the border. Something was going on, though, and we had no earthly idea what was happening. A bunch of extra patrol officers were out checking vehicles, and they had a couple of dogs out there sniffing, too. An officer got to our car and asked if anyone was under the care of a doctor. We all looked at each other and shook our heads. I'd been discharged the week before so it never even occurred to me what he meant. They made twenty cars across five lanes pull over and they handed each group an orange ticket with "gamma alert" written on it. Everyone who'd got pulled over were lined up, and loudly complaining. We stood in line for twenty minutes, and finally a guard came out and yelled, "Has anyone received radiation therapy in the past few weeks?" I put my hand up, and they--thankfully--let the rest of those poor folks go. Our fun, however, was just beginning.

The guard took us inside the building and then a lady poked her head out of a door and said, "Take them to the Quiet Room." (Trust me, those words were definitely capitalized!) So, we got taken to the Quiet Room. It was a smallish room off the border guards offices, directly adjoined to their weapons lockers. The three of us were all, this is an interrogation room, what the hell!
And then Jason and AG proceed to laugh about being inept terrorists, while I sit there going, OMG please don't do that, we'll all be thrown in jail OMG OMG over and over again. About ten minutes later--presumably enough time for us to have considered our bad behavior--the lady guard came into the room and stood behind the counter. She had what looked like a ray gun in her hand--it was actually a radiation meter--and told me to stand behind the line that was taped on the floor. Jason and AG were sitting on the chairs all, O__O, while she pointed the device at me. It beeped and then she set it down on the counter and backed out of the room and said through the door, "Pick it up and tell me if what's on the screen is correct." It had correctly identified the radiation as medical I-131, and I told her that is what I'd had done. I set it back down on the counter and she told me to go sit down with the others, and she didn't come back in until I was seated. They took AG's keys and drove her car to a separate area where they ran tests to make certain there were no further sources of radiation in it.

About thirty minutes later, they brought the keys back. When the lady heard that Jason still had to clear customs, she brought him the papers and helped him fill them out, which was quite lovely of her. For whatever reason, they couldn't stamp and clear him from the Quiet Room, but she told him to go around and meet her at the front of the line out front. I guess they felt that, having terrorized us, they could now be helpful? I don't know, but once we were back in the car and safely in Washington, I put my arm around Jason and said, "Welcome to America." We all laughed until we cried. After that kind of experience, you are bonded for life, and so we were.

I'm so very thankful that we spent time in the Quiet Room together, even though it wasn't a lot of fun at the time. I'm thankful that I met him and hugged him and showed him my favorite parts of Seattle.

My life has been immeasurably enriched by his presence. He often referred to himself as a field mouse, but he was my little hawk, brave and so very strong. I'm going to miss him every day, but I have a Jason shaped space in my heart and he lives there, pain-free and filled with love and joy as always.

I would also like to say thank you to James and Rhiannon. He loved the both of you so much, and you brought him such love and joy, it was a genuine pleasure to see it and hear him talk about you. Please know that you're in all of our hearts and on our minds as we stumble forward.

To all of Jason's friends, I send hugs and good thoughts. I'm glad we have this place to share our love for him, and I'm glad you're here.

Current Music: Feeder - We Are The People

leanwellback

I suppose I should make the first post here, but I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't even begin to properly express my grief. Jason and I were friends for eight years, together for five and a half years, and married for just over a year. I met him the day after my 17th birthday. I've always said meeting him was the best birthday present the universe could have given me. He was (and is and will always be) my soulmate and I can't believe I won't ever hold him again.

He often said knowing that he made someone smile every day was the biggest accomplishment he could wish to achieve. I think the amount of people mourning his loss right now is testament to his success.

I'm trying to collect as many pictures of him from the last few years as I can. His dad doesn't have any recent photos, and Jason was camera shy to say the least. I have a few, but if you have any you'd be comfortable sharing I would appreciate it so, so much. (Please remember to lock any posts with photos in ♥)

Feel free to post here, no matter how close you were or how long you've known him.